133 Famous People I Have Met

by Michael Patrick Welch.

Written every weekday from Jan.-May 2020

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Click the links below to jump to each fun, funny vignette. The stars by each name denote the encounter’s meaningfulness, with three stars being most meaningful.

PLEASE consider tipping the writer MPW at his Venmo or PayPal.

#

2 Live Crew (1998) 

A

Alice In Chains (1994) 

Alicia Keys (2013) 

***Allen Toussaint (2011) 

Anderson Cooper (2007) 

**Andre 3000 (1998) 

**Ani DiFranco (2003, 2012, 2016) 

B

**Baby & Slim of Cash Money Records (2019) 

**Dr. Ben Carson (2017) 

Big Boy from OutKast (2011) 

Big Daddy Kane (2003) 

**Big Freedia (2004-2008) 

**Billy Gibbons (2002, 2007) 

**Bill Murray (2010) 

***Black Francis (1991)

Bobcat Goldthwait (1998)

Bonnie Raitt (2003) 50

Brad & Angelina (2006) 

Bret Easton Ellis (2013) 

C

Cee Lo & Goodie MOB (1996) 

*****Chuck D (2007) 

Cliff & AC/DC (1987) 

***Craig Wedren & Shudder to Think (2009) 

Cut Creator (1999) 

D

**Daryl Hall (2013) 

Dave Eggers (1999-2007)

David Simon (2011, 2019) 

Dear Mr Roth (98-2000?) 

**Dio (1998) 

Doug E Fresh (1998) 

G

**Greg Dulli (1994-2010) 

***GWAR (2004) 

H

Harry Shearer (2005, 2015) 

I

***Ian Svenonius (1997, 2012) 

J

**J Mascis & Dinosaur Jr. (1992) 

Jello Biafra (2006) 

**Jesus Lizard (1999-2019) 

***Jimmy Hart (1999) 

**Jimmy Swaggart (2001) 

**John Oates (2013) 

Jonathan Ames (1998-2019) 

K

***Kim Deal (1991) 

**Kool Keith (2012) 

L

**Luke Skywalker aka Uncle Luther Campbel

Lupita Nyong’o (2013) 

M

Magnolia Shorty (2010) 

***Mannie Fresh (2011) 

***Method Man (2000) 

Mike Mills of REM (2008) 

**Morris Day (2012) 

N

**Natalie Merchant (1992) 

P

Pharrell (2004) 

Prince Paul (1997) 

Q

Quintron and Miss Pussycat (1998-present) 

R

***Ray Davis (2004-2006) 

Richard Campanella, Tulane historical geographer,  (2016) 

Russell Simmons (2011) 

S

Sade (2011) 

Sebastian Bach (2003) 

Sick Rick (1999) 

Smashing Pumpkins (1991-1996) 

Steven Seagal

T

***Todd Rundgren (2013) 

***Tony Clifton / Bob Zmuda (2013) 

Trent Reznor (2000-2006) 

TV on the Radio (2004-2006) 

U

***UNLV (2014) 

W

Weird Al Yankovich (1998) 

QUICK: Ratt, White Zombie, Todd Barry, Tracey Ullman, Vince Vaughn, Warren G

Y

Yngwei Malmsteen (1999) 

BUNCHA QUICK EXTRA ONES!

– Al Roker, Bret Michals, Cramps, Dame Dash, Debbi Harry

– Carrot Top, DJ Paul Oakenfold, DJ Shadow, Earl Sweatshirt, Ernie K-Doe 

– DJ Jubilee, EYEHATEGOD, The Meters, Hurray for the Riff Raff, Irma Thomas, Katey Red & Mayor Mitch Landrieu

– Buckwheat Zydeco, Ed Helms, Ellen Barkin, Hot Water Music, Hulk Hogan

– Jan Hooks (SNL), Gov Edwards, Jon BonJovi, Lydia Lunch, Lloyd Bridges 

– Ray Nagin, Judy Tenuta, Linda Hamilton, Mark Wahlberg, Mike Patton, Mastodon, Pointer Sisters

– 5’8”, Assuck, Bingo, Bra1n1ac, Dalek, Dash Rip Rock, Elf Power, The Fucking Champs, Greg Ginn, Girl Talk, Home, Japanther, Killdozer, Little Dragon, Th MakeUp, Mike Dillon, ManMan/ Needs New Body, Of Montreal, Peelander Z, Q&P, Rebirth Brass Band, Radiators, Shudder to Think, TV on the Radio, TransAm, Thrones Walter Wolfman Washington 

 

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#132. I met guitarist Yngwie Malmsteen (Tampa, 1999)

The shredding Swede, Yngwie Malmsteen, remains peerless; a classical composer whose too-fast guitar playing owes more to Bach than Eddie Van Halen. His influence is hard to spot these days, because no one else can do what Malmsteen does. Also, impressive as it is, it just doesn’t sound that good.

By the time I spoke to Yngwei — who rode on a bus through Cleveland, Ohio, on tour opening for Dio — “hair metal” had become a source of parody. Dio and Yngwie stuck with their sober themes of magic, sorcery, and knights in shining armor. If RATT, Warrant and Poison were all about T&A, Dio and Malmsteen were more D&D.

Malmsteen kept the faith though. “(The fans) are ready to have it again . . . people who can play,” he told me. “People don’t want to be putting time into becoming a good musician anymore,” Malmsteen claimed in an accent unaffected by decades living in Miami. “Now they just want to bang out a few chords.”

What I am trying to say, is Yngwie Malmsteen has a superiority complex.

Michael Patrick Welch’s “132 Famous People I Have Met” series is FREE, but please consider donating to his VENMO (michael-welch-42), or to his PayPal account (paypal.me/michaelpatrickwelch2), so he can feed his kids, pay his mortgage, etc.

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#126-#131: RATT, White Zombie, Todd Barry, Tracey Ullman, Vince Vaughan, Warren G.

The Simpsons’ baby mama. I love her.

#126: RATT’s Stephen Pearcy: One of the few hair bands that I still love, RATT came through Tampa in the late 90s, and I interviewed both Pearcy and Brett Michaels of co-headliners, Poison. I don’t remember much about either of those two guys, except that Pearcy carried a chipped shoulder over having to alternate headlining slots with Poison. “Back on the Strip it was always them opening for us,” he claimed. He seemed kind douchey. Pearcy currently stars in a brand new Geico commercial, fronting his band in the attic of a couple whose new home is having “RATT problems.”

#127: Sean Yseult of White Zombie: The bassist has lived in New Orleans full-time for a long while now. I see her everywhere. She plays in bands with my friends. I interviewed her once for a woman’s magazine, then again for the release of her photography book, then for Gambit Weekly about her band Star & Dagger. The first time we met, I went by her big purple New Orleans house, and interviewed her between the coffin and rack of candles in her den. She seemed nice enough.

#128: Todd Barry: I really like Berry’s comedy, but I’d forgotten he was performing at the tiny Dragon’s Den, when I just happened to be outside leaning against the club’s front window one night. Berry walked out and right up to my friends and I. A little drunk, I stood straight up, “Oh wow! Man, I love you!” He smiled and went to shake my hand, until I said, “I totally forgot you were performing tonight!” His smile vanished: “You weren’t at the show?” he asked and walked off.

#129: Tracey Ullman: True comedy goddess. Mother of the Simpsons! I was at a book party at a bar one night in L.A., there to visit author Jerry Stahl, who brutally brushed me off. As I hung at the bar alone people-watching, I saw Tracey fucking Ullman darting around the room, as if looking for someone she couldn’t find. I felt my blood pressure rise, because I LOVE HER. I always think no famous person can impress me, but amazing artists sure can. It felt nice just to be in the room with a true comedy hero, and get to watch her a little, though she didn’t seem happy. But on my way out to the cab we exited the door at the same time and we organically said hello to each other, and I will never forget looking down into the cute, smiling face of Tracey fucking Ullman.

#130: Vince Vaughn: One night out drinking in the French Quarter, I found myself in El Matador on the corner of Esplanade and Decatur. Fairly lit already, I ordered a drink from the bartender before realizing he was actor Vince Vaughn. His buddy Rio Hackford, son of director Taylor Hackford, played a small part in Swingers and now owned El Matador. I remember VV as a good, nice, attentive bartender, especially impressive on a packed night. I asked those around me if he was raising money for a charity or something, before I didn’t tip VV, since he’s rich.

#131: Warren G: I happened to find a Warren G Regulate t-shirt at the thrift store in Tampa, Florida, and rocked it till the wheels fell off. I wore it to work in the empty newsroom one Saturday, a couple days after I had covered the Up In Smoke tour, on which Warren G had performed. As I typed the morning obituaries, the phone rang. “Yes, I am with the Up In Smoke tour, and I think you should write a story about how poorly it’s being run,” a man began. “I have some inside information that I think you’d be very interested in.” I wrote down his words as the man went on like this for a while. I told him the tour had left Florida, and I wasn’t sure if our paper would do an investigative piece, but I promised to pass his info on to my editors on Monday morning. I asked for his contact info, and also his name. “This is Warren G, man.” Suddenly, recognizing the voice, I blurted, “I am wearing a Warren G t-shirt right now, at this moment.” This coincidence did not impress Warren G.

Michael Patrick Welch’s “132 Famous People I Have Met” series is FREE, but please consider donating to his VENMO (michael-welch-42), or to his PayPal account (paypal.me/michaelpatrickwelch2), so he can feed his kids, pay his mortgage, etc.

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#125. I met Weird Al Yankovich (Tampa, 1998)

“Oh wow, jeez. I dunno.”

When interviewing a funny person, you just lob them softballs that they knock out the park. But the funniest thing about Weird Al was how radically unfunny he was during our interview. So unfunny that it was hilarious. Maybe not unlike his music?

I don’t use the word “genius,” but Weird Al bumps up against that title, in that, like Einstein or Prince, he could not be replaced. On the surface, his shtick is dumb, but Weird Al is actually a master musician and meticulous, passionate showman — as discussed in this really great recent New York Times piece.

I, however, couldn’t get him to make even one joke! “Have you ever gone to therapy?” I asked Weird Al, who had only recently shaved off his signature porn stache and gotten laser eye surgery, so that he no longer needed his signature glasses: a total makeover, from one type of nerd, into another type.

“No. No, I haven’t,” Al answered innocently. “Have never needed to, luckily.”

I laughed anyway, and tried again, “What do you think your therapist might say if you did go to therapy?”

“Oh wow.” He definitely seemed to think about it hard, but couldn’t come up with anything. “Jeez. I don’t know,” Weird Al finally admitted.

Michael Patrick Welch’s “132 Famous People I Have Met” series is FREE, but please consider donating to his VENMO (michael-welch-42), or to his PayPal account (paypal.me/michaelpatrickwelch2), so he can feed his kids, pay his mortgage, etc.

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#118-#124: Buncha quick ones: Mayor Ray Nagin, Judy Tenuta, Linda Hamilton, Mark Wahlberg, Mike Patton, Mastodon, The Pointer Sisters

#118: Comedian Judy Tenuta: I interviewed the accordion playing Love Goddess over the phone. You may not remember her, but she was huge for a minute, with flowers in her hair. Sort of the feminine answer to Bobcat Goldthwait, with a pinch of Rosanne Bar (who used to be very funny!). Judy (JudyJudyJudyJudyJudy) was the same in her interviews as on stage, which is how most comedians tend to play it.

#119: Actress Linda Hamilton: I shouldn’t write too much about this but: The lead actress from the Terminator movies lives in my neighborhood. Linda’s very nice and sweet and normal. Walks her dogs, drinks at the neighborhood bar. She once invited my partner and some other neighborhood ladies to skinny dip at the pool she’d just installed. I asked to take her fishing, and she said yes. We’ll see.

#120: Underwear model Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg: I belonged to a semi-luxury old-school gym in New Orleans’s French Quarter, and as I was walking out onto Rampart Street one day I brushed by Mark Wahlberg, who said, “Sup man.” I repeated that same greeting back to him.

#121: Vocalist Mike Patton: A guitar magazine had assigned me to write about Jesus Lizard guitarist Duane Dennison, playing at VooDoo with his side band Tomahawk, featuring Helmet’s drummer John Stanier, and singer Mike Patton of Faith No More, Mr Bungle, etc. I walked onto Dennison’s bus, and ran directly into Stanier and Patton. I told Stanier how I, like he, had attended USF in Tampa, and how the music teachers there had often mentioned Stanier to us as one of their better students. Though Stanier seemed really moved by, some biker bodyguards interrupted and pushed me past Patton to the back of the bus, where Duane Dennison awaited with his guitar for our interview. On my way off the bus, I ran into Stanier and Patton again, and we spoke for another five minutes, mostly about Stanier and USF. Patton listened intently, and seemed to appreciate me not focusing on him (I bet that gets annoying).

#122: Metal band Mastodon: Leader singer Troy Sanders told me, “We could write 15-minute songs all day but for The Hunter we decided to…get in and out of each song, which was ultimately more energizing, especially after two-and-a-half straight years of touring and playing all these really epic layered and emotional songs. The Hunter is more quick bursts of raw energy.” Produced by Michael Elizondo (Eminem, 50 Cent, Pink, Gwen Stefani) The Hunter was Mastodon’s first album that didn’t follow a detailed storyline. “No matter what kind of riff came along, no matter what it sounded like, if we liked it we just built it into a song,” Sanders said. “So this time…the record is more to the point.”

#123: Singing legends, The Pointer Sisters: So excited was I to buss these ladies’ table at Palace Cafe on Canal Street just before 9/11. All three acted very sweet, all dressed up in sequins as if going to perform a concert.

#124: Former New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin: I’ve met Ray a few brief times (as every citizen should their city’s Mayor), but my most distinct memory is from before he was mayor, when he came out to install our Cox cable. Kidding! I wish I had that story to tell. My brightest memory of Ray is in the month or so after Katrina, at a grocery store, after he’d made his famous “Chocolate City” remark (a remark I always agreed with; Ray Nagin’s Kanye moment). Nagin walked around the Rouse’s, handsome and bald, shopping like the rest of us which, given the historical moment, had to be a low-key publicity stunt of some sort. He didn’t push a cart, instead carrying his big case of Heineken Light bottles (?!) by hand, silently announcing that he was just like the rest of us. No one bothered him, but I did say casual hello in passing. I liked Nagin enough. I can’t imagine he’d ever shout at me for wanting to take his picture at an inopportune moment, like Mayor Landrieu did. Weeks later, I wrote an article about painting floats for Newsweek, and in my author photograph I wore a piece of tape stating: “Ray Nagin was right.” That was before the countertops. But New Orleans is and should always be a Chocolate City. And even though grifting during Katrina was particularly despicable, his ten year sentence remains racist as fuck. Cosby got three to ten. When I see a photo of Ray now, it only reminds me that America is more rotten than Nagin ever was. I am glad he’s out. I hope the rest of his life goes more smoothly.

Michael Patrick Welch’s “132 Famous People I Have Met” series is FREE, but please consider donating to his VENMO (michael-welch-42), or to his PayPal account (paypal.me/michaelpatrickwelch2), so he can feed his kids, pay his mortgage, etc.

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#117. I met original Cash Money artists U.N.L.V. (New Orleans, 2014)

Tec-9 on Sixth and Barrone

New Orleans Rapper Tec-9 steps onto a helicopter to be flown to his lucrative gig. He’s been off work for two weeks but is about to embark on twenty-eight straight days of giving people what they need. “Mondays I cook anything I want. Tuesday is steak day. Wednesday I cook whatever I want. Thursday I cook what I want. Friday is seafood day. Saturday is steak day again,” says Tec, one half of the famous New Orleans gangsta bounce group U.N.L.V., “and Sunday is fried chicken day.”

Tec-9, a.k.a. Reginald Manuel, spends most of his time offshore, cooking for an oil rig’s crew — one of the few ways he could figure to make over $60,000 a year, enough to continue paying for whatever luxuries he got used to in the ’90s as a star on the fledgling Cash Money label.

“When I get jazzy with it I have a Mercedes R35, sitting on 22s,” says Tec. But today he meets me at the Burger King in his gimpy Ram 1500 work truck. He wants to take our hood history tour in my similarly shitty Ram truck. “My A/C is broken,” he tells me.

“So is mine,” I tell him.

“My transmission burnt too,” he says.

I don’t know what that means. But my truck runs fine, so I first follow him to his lil girl’s mama’s house around the corner. Tec pops into her small shotgun shack for a moment, then comes out and hops into my beater: “I only had one cold tea left. You want this cold beer?” He offers me a tall boy of Olde English 800. I have not had OE since college, and though it’s very presumptuous of him to think I’d drink malt liquor at all, much less during the daytime while driving, I thank him and crack it open.

Tec-9 has agreed to lead me on a tour of sites important to the career of his twenty-two-year-old rap group (now a duo) U.N.L.V. As teenagers in the early nineties, U.N.L.V. members Tec-9 and Lil Ya copped their name from their favorite college sports team, but then told the world it stood for “Uptown Niggas Livin Violent.”

“We started out as the Sporty MCs: Polo Pete and MC Food,” Tec laughs, flashing a bottom row of gold teeth.

“We was positive rappers then, we rapped about black situations, what crack cocaine and drugs do to you,” recalls Lil Ya (Yaphet Jones) via phone from Houston, where he’s lived with his kids since 2007, commuting often to New Orleans.

“A guy called Everlasting Hitman — deceased, rest in peace — he was one of the first people I knew who started doing gangsta rap in the bars,” Lil Ya continues. “Then everyone started doing it. We were better at it than any of those other guys, and the positive rap wasn’t poppin’ anymore. People didn’t want to hear that.”

Violence, too, was trendy in the Crescent City at the time and the Sporty MCs’ transformation into Uptown Niggas Livin Violent was inspired as much by New Orleans’s early ’90s crime stats. “We were the murder capital in 1994,” Lil Ya says, as if reminiscing about a championship season. The Sporty MC’s “black situations” were traded out for explicit lyrics like…

I got a bitch named Carrol
Fucked her in the ass with my double barrel
She enjoyed it a LOT
While I was fucking her with the barrel she was sucking the chrome of my glock

— “My 9” (1993)

U.N.L.V. made gun violence fun with a sing-songy flow over the “triggerman” party beat that fuels New Orleans’s indigenous “bounce rap.” The soundtrack to many a local black block party for the last several decades, “bounce” is the specific call-and-response rap that begat “twerking,” a dance Miley Cyrus learned in New Orleans. “People called us gangsta bounce,” Tec-9 chuckles at some far off memory as we drive past Carter G. Woodson Middle, where Tec and Lil Ya attended school together.

My tall boy is empty as we approach what was once the famously tumultuous Magnolia Projects in Central City on the edge of Uptown — now un-ironically renamed “Harmony Oaks.” The dreary red and brown brick apartments have been replaced by clumps of lower quality but pleasant shotgun townhomes that look very little like public housing. “They got it lookin’ all pretty now,” Tec observes.

The old brick monstrosities on Magnolia and Washington were where U.N.L.V. first helped producers Brian “Baby/Birdman” Williams and Ronald “Slim/Sugar Slim” Williams begin to build Cash Money Records — now a multibillion-dollar stable that includes Drake, Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj, and dabbles in clothing, liquor, even the oil industry. “We didn’t know the business and they knew we didn’t know the business, some young poor kids comin’ out of the hood,” says Tec-9. “They would take us to the car lot, buy a new car, put us in a new house or apartment. And we thought we’d made it, but they were pocketing millions of dollars. We were so happy to have a little money, we didn’t realize we were deserving of much more than we were given.”

I drive us farther Uptown to U.N.L.V.’s old hood. “When we were nineteen or twenty, me and Ya would walk around here beatin’ on the houses, practicing what song we was gonna rap at WYLD talent shows and open mic nights.”

Tec-9 came up with all of the concepts and most of the lyrics. “My role always has been the guy to give energy,” says Lil Ya, who’s known as a confrontational performer. “I have some lyrics, but my main role has always been to hit ’em with the energy.”

We stand below a giant red arrow pointing us in the front door of famous dive bar Joe’s House of Blues. In 1992, when New Orleans’s drinking age was eighteen, Joe’s was Newton’s, where Tec-9 and Lil Ya demanded their start. “We recorded our first record at Newton’s,” says Tec-9. “DJ Red would put on the Triggaman beat and give us the microphone. One night we recorded ourselves and that’s how our first single came out, called, ‘Another Bitch.’”

“Another Bitch” features the first instance of the much co-opted, classic New Orleans refrain, “Bitch, keep talking that shit / suck a nigga dick for an outfit.” Versions of this phrase and its cadence appear in hundreds of New Orleans bounce songs. Though the lyric is most often associated with “the king of bounce,” DJ Jubilee, Tec-9 tells me he and Ya invented it at Newton’s in 1992. “Then we went up the street to K&B [now Rite Aid] to buy some double-side cassettes and just spent all morning dubbing ’em,” Tec recalls. “We wrote on them ‘U.N.L.V. Another Bitch’ and we rode around to all the different projects selling it for $5. Before you knew it, everybody was riding around the city playing our song. DJ Red was proud to’ve recorded it, so then he would play it a lot at the club. It just blew up — the whole city got behind it.”

Brian “Baby” Williams, CEO of Cash Money, soon got ahold of a tape and made U.N.L.V. one of his very first signings. At Baby and Slim’s house out in New Orleans East, the future moguls sat on milk crates in front of a tape machine, rerecording “Another Bitch.” “It wasn’t really a big house, but a decent house in a decent-like middle class neighborhood,” says Tec, who gets evasive when I ask him what the Williams did for a living at the time: “Word is they were selling drugs to support themselves, but I wouldn’t speak on that.” He could only verify that they were most certainly not working offshore.

The larval Cash Money label packaged and marketed and distributed “Another Bitch” professionally, and it was a hit throughout the South, especially in Houston, and with Atlanta DJ Lil Jon. “The profits from that single allowed the whole [Cash Money] camp to be able to go into real studios and pay for studio time,” says Tec. “Cash Money acquired their major label deal based on the numbers that we were putting out. With the success from that, we started planning to record our first Cash Money album.”

* * *

For their big debut, Tec and Ya initiated a third U.N.L.V. member, Yella Boy. “Yella kinda blackmailed his way into the group,” laughs Tec-9. “Me and my mom was having problems during that time, and she kicked me out the house. So I went and lived with Yella and his mom. He wasn’t initially a part of U.N.L.V., and he’d always be like, ‘Tell your producer you got another person.’ Then when I was staying with him, he kinda said, ‘Put me in the group, or you gotta go.’”

“Baby and Slim didn’t want him in the group neither,” adds Lil Ya. “Tec convinced me, and I convinced Baby and Slim.”

Tec and I stop at the intersection where Yella lived on 4th and Dryades. Tec points to a triangle of small colorful houses. “Ya lived right across the street from Yella, and I lived over on 6th and Barrone. Me and Ya knew each other since we were twelve, but they knew each other since they were babies. Yella couldn’t rap for nothing. So I taught him how.”

We sweat in New Orleans’s fall weather as we step out and walk around a corner to the nexus of the U.N.L.V. legend: 6th and Barrone — the corner that provided inspiration for their second biggest hit song, “6th and Barrone,” from their debut 1992 Cash Money “6th and Barrone.”

Tec at Pop’s

A ubiquitous regional hit, “6th and Baronne” is arguably the most geographically specific hood anthem ever recorded, leading people right to the spot where Tec and I now stand, before a moldy, two-story classic New Orleans abode with white siding and a wide balcony. Tec is shy to take a photo out front of the house and talks in whisper — prompting me to ask if all the song’s gun talk didn’t bring some unwanted negative publicity to his block. Maybe he made his neighbors mad, blowing up their spot?

“That song made the area really popular,” he whispers out on the street, letting me snap just one photo of him and the historic landmark. “The whole south started hearing about 6th and Barrone, and it made everybody proud to be from this area. It turned from being our regular hangout to just traffic all day… People’d be passing like, ‘Ooh, there he go right there!’ and snapping pictures.”

The song didn’t necessarily make their hood sound like a fun-loving area though:

Chillin’ on the set with the fully automatic tec
Never was caught slippin’ that’s how I got my respect
I pop ’em up pop ’em up watchin’ bleed to death
Ya played with the Tec-9 now ya takin’ yo last breath
While I’m chillin’ on the corner I’m a get fucked up
My nigga T got a forty and brought two cups
Lil’ Ya is chillin’ Yella is thuggin’ and talkin’ on the phone
And I’m chillin’ on 6th and Baronne.

Tec-9 points to the stoop featured on the cover of “6th and Barrone” — Tec, Ya and Yella pose with a stern-faced posse, all in white tees, all aiming guns at the viewer. “Yeah, I called a friend and said, ‘Can we use your guns?’” laughs Tec-9. “He pulled up with a little suitcase full of guns. He had a Tec-9 so I was like, ‘I gotta have that! That’s me!’”

U.N.L.V.’s imagery and lyrics somehow don’t clash with Tec and Ya’s enjoyable flow, which the few New Orleans musical historians who deign to give rap music a place in the conversation often equate with Mardi Gras Indian chants. Many bounce artists have aped U.N.L.V.’s singsong flow, but one could argue that no one in southern rap has had as much stolen from them as U.N.L.V. and gotten so little credit. “It’s like rap music did James Brown,” says Lil Ya. “There’s a little bit of us in everything, especially if it’s from New Orleans.”

One could also argue that in New Orleans there is no such thing as musical thievery, only versions of a musical idea. But if they were to consider it stealing, U.N.L.V. could rattle off a list of thefts:

1. The other New Orleans rap mogul, Master P of No Limit Records, stole the catchphrase from U.N.L.V.’s local hit “(Nigga I’m) Bout It.” Acclaimed Producer Mannie Fresh, who made the beats for all of U.N.L.V.’s classic songs and almost every other first-wave Cash Money hit, told HipHop DX in 2011: “No Limit was not even started in New Orleans, it was started in [Richmond], California… [Master P] came down to visit [in 1995] and [U.N.L.V.] had this song. [Master P] took the slogan ‘Bout it’ and ran with it.”

2. Juvenile, one of very few New Orleans rappers to remain in the national eye for many years now, was first introduced to Cash Money Records by U.N.L.V. Once Cash Money finally got their national deal and dumped U.N.L.V., the label repurposed the beat from U.N.L.V.’s biggest regional hit “Drag Em In the River” and used it for Juvenile’s national hit “Set It Off.”

3. In 1994, after a newly unaffiliated U.N.L.V. had a huge local hit with a song called “Go DJ” they got a call from their old partner Baby at Cash Money: “I want you to do a song with Shorty,” he said, referring to Lil Wayne, according to Tec-9. “Our ‘Go DJ’ was hot, everyone driving around bumpin’ it,” says Tec-9. “And Lil Wayne’s second album didn’t do too good. So they hear how hot ‘Go DJ’ got, and they still had our catalog… Baby never called me back, and next thing you know we hear Lil Wayne came out with ‘Go DJ.’ They didn’t try to get us to do the song together, or holla at us, or try to compensate us — and that’s when we went to court.” U.N.L.V. won an undisclosed settlement that gave them the rights to their own catalog.

4. There’s even another rapper now named Tech N9ne, whose debut album, Calm Before the Storm, came out in 1999.

“I applaud it now,” says Lil Ya of his influence on the many folks who are much richer than him. “They showin’ love and don’t even know it. In the beginning I did feel sore, and I wondered, ‘Hey, why they stealin’ our music?’ But now that I’m older in the game I realize people steal music cause they do whatever they gotta do to make a hit.”

The group’s deepest ire however, was reserved for dragon-mouthed No Limit rapper, Mystikal — a beef that birthed U.N.L.V.’s single biggest hit, “Drag Em In Tha River”:

I’ma drag him from tha river dump his body in chuck’s yard
Leavin’ a note around his neck readin’ bad ass Yella Boy
Oooooh he wants some? ain’t that cold?
You a hoe Mystikal
You a hoe Mystikal
See I’m from the 3, and I don’t give a fuck

“Every time we saw him, he wouldn’t let us catch him,” Tec-9 says as we travel to where he was born, in the old Melpomene Projects, which have also since been torn down. “If Mystikal knew we were in his area he wasn’t gonna be still, he gonna keep it movin’. Cause he know if we catch him it gonna go down. But I’m glad we all grew out of that shit.”

When I later call Lil Ya though, he tells me the U.N.L.V. vs. Mystikal beef was all kayfabe expressed only in the music: “It was just a beef on wax. There wasn’t no gunplay ever. When Mystikal got out of the service he asked me about signing to Cash Money and I told him I thought it was a good idea because he had a nice style. He ended up signing with Big Boy and he asked me about doing a war on wax with us, and we was cool with it. I thought it was a great idea. I was never mad at him.”

After a couple hours, Tec-9 casually mentions that through all of the Cash Money years, he and Yella were shooting heroin. “That’s another reason I started working offshore,” he says. “I was addicted to heroin throughout my whole twenties, struggled with it off and on. Me and Yella was the worst kind of addict: the kind that has a lot of money where you can still dress nice. That’s worse than someone who doesn’t have a quarter and is out there robbing and stealing for it.” He rubs his forehead. “Man we burned through a lot of money…”

Tec believes that, sans drugs, U.N.L.V. might still be rolling with Cash Money. “We got so angry that it started turning into street shit. Baby and Yella got into fist fights. Yella went and shot their house up, in like 1996.” (Many other accounts of the incident have Yella pistol-whipping Baby and then shooting up his car.) Tec rubs his forehead again. “The drugs made us make poor decisions — it made us not deal with disagreements rationally. We would get violent. I feel like if we’d never gotten involved with drugs we would have dealt with a lot of things better.”

Shit got heavy enough between the two parties to completely sever U.N.L.V.’s connection to Cash Money, the best industry contact they would ever have. The Cash Money parade, massive but still gathering financial momentum, rolled on without Tec and Ya, who would never again see that level of success.

U.N.L.V. did remain hugely popular in New Orleans for several more years. Then, soon after Mystikal signed with No Limit Records in 1997, Yella was murdered. “I was in rehab when I heard,” says Tec-9. “I had tried to get him to come to rehab with me but he didn’t want to go. My third day in there I got a phone call telling me he was murdered.” Yella was shot while sitting in his car.

“Yella was twenty-three. It was a shock to the city, it was almost like Tupac was killed. It was all over the news,” says Tec-9. “And our name got even bigger, the record got even bigger. From that day on it’s like people really look at us as legends in this city.”

Like almost all murders of hip-hop artists, Yella’s was never solved. But the Internet spills over with conspiracy theories, most involving the suspicion that, after Yella whooped his ass, Baby put out a hit, which Baby then rapped about on the rapper BG’s song, “Made Man”:

Nigga disrespect let’s put the nigga to sleep (put ’em ta sleep)
I’m discreet about the things that I do on the streets
Them niggas be sayin’ Baby put that fuckin’ boy to sleep (Baby done that?)
Them niggas be sayin’ Baby put that change on his feet (Baby done that?)

“Overall it’s some street shit, and I try to leave it at that. The streets took him,” says Tec-9. “He was very different from us in that he really did live what he talked about in his music.”

Nowadays both rappers are quick to point out that originally, U.N.L.V. was only two guys. Though not nearly as prolific since, as a duo U.N.L.V. have recorded “The Return of U.N.L.V.: Trendsetters” (2001), “Keep It Gutta” (2003), and “Gutta for Life” (2004), all of which they either released on their own, or with much smaller labels than Cash Money. With Lil Ya in Houston and Tec-9 offshore, they perform live only about once a month, but they are more than fine performing as a duo. “When Yella’s verse come up we combine and we do his verse,” says Tec-9. “Or else we cut him out.”

* * *

Tec skips back in time abruptly, taking me to where he was “born” — the long-demolished Melpomene projects, birthplace of Katey Red and other notable rappers. After Tec-9 moved to 6th and Barrone, he always kept strong ties to “the Melph.” Today there is only a stack of old white apartments left: “That’s the Melpomene old folks home,” Tec points up. “When we were little we used to run around inside there for fun, drive the old people crazy.”

Not too long after that, crack cocaine came to New Orleans, creating jobs for lots of teen boys in the projects. “My dad died of cancer when I was twelve years old, and a young man that don’t have guidance, no role model, the streets will get ahold of you,” Tec says. “I made seventeen that Wednesday, and that Friday I got arrested — I just made old enough to go to the big jail.” Young Reginald Manuel did twenty-one months for possession of crack.

Years later, just after Hurricane Katrina, Lil Ya would kill U.N.L.V.’s momentum with a jail spell in Houston, after he moved to take care of his children and run U.N.L.V.’s business. The Star-Telegram reported that “Yaphet Jones, 32, of New Orleans was arrested outside a Motel 6 in Houston and charged with indecency with a child by exposure, and burglary of a habitation with intent to commit sexual assault, police said. The victims, including a fourteen-year-old girl, were also Katrina evacuees.”

Ya denies the charges, claiming that: “I did two years and ten months for peeing in public…I was checking in this hotel, and they was taking a long time to get a key, so I went around the dumpster and urinated… I was a Hurricane Katrina evacuee, was the real reason they had me in court. But I got a lawyer working on it, and I will be cleared up and compensated.”

It’s unclear exactly what happened in Houston that day, but it was when Ya went away that Tec-9 signed up to wash dishes offshore and then eventually cook. “I always knew how to cook, and I knew it was time to leave the streets alone,” says Tec. “I figured maybe I could duck offshore to kinda maintain my dignity. For me to just be out there in the world doin’ just a regular average joe job would be kind of embarrassing for me, since everyone knows me from the success we had.”

Many of the guys on the rig know U.N.L.V.’s music and treat Tec-9 with extra respect, the same way many inmates treated Lil Ya in prison. “And being out on the rig also gives me a peace of mind,” says Tec. “I can really write shit out there. All that water, and I get to thinking and writing.” It was under these isolated, meditative conditions that Tec wrote much of U.N.L.V.’s new 2014 album “The Relaunch,” (distributed digitally by a branch of Universal Records). Tec stared out at the waves to dream up the lyrics to the album’s first single “Can’t Walk Straight”:

I’m drunk and I can’t walk straight
Got work in the morning but I might be late
Got weed but I need another gar
My drink low, so I’m on my way back to the bar.

At the end of our tour, at a bar in the St. Roch neighborhood on the edge of the 9th Ward, Tec admits it’s been tough to really push The Relaunch with Ya in Houston and him out in the ocean. Along with their usual one show a month, both men claim they’ve booked a seven-city tour opening for Juvenile and Mystikal this January — though when contacted, Mystikal’s management knew nothing of a tour where the openers would sing “Yous a ho Mystikal” over and over each night.

Either way, at forty-one years apiece, both surviving members of the South’s most important gangsta bounce group still consider each other best friends: “Yeah that’s my brother man,” says Tec-9, sipping his first beer of the day, and I my second. “After all these years, we still strong wit it.”

(NOTE: originally published at Narratively)

Michael Patrick Welch’s “132 Famous People I Have Met” series is FREE, but please consider donating to his VENMO (michael-welch-42), or to his PayPal account (paypal.me/michaelpatrickwelch2), so he can feed his kids, pay his mortgage, etc.

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#94-#116: Famous bands I’ve opened for: Assuck, F*cking Champs, Greg Ginn, Girl Talk, Little Dragon, MakeUp, Of Montreal, etc.

The PR photo Of Montreal used on the tour where we opened for them

#94. 5’8″: Not really famous, this GA band was much beloved throughout the south in the 90s. They packed shows way down in Tampa, where we opened for them at The Rubb in Ybor.

#95. Assuck: Friends of mine more than musical peers, Assuck did headline a mini festival I played at Club Detroit in St. Petersburg, with just one band playing between us. I’ve watched Assuck perform half a dozen times at least, but am just as familiar with Assuck “singer” and tremendous visual artist Paul Pavlovich’s living room, where we’ve smoked and joked.

#96. Bingo!/Liquidrone: I loaned Clint Maedgen my guitar talents and my entire band to reform Liquidrone for a night at One Eyed Jacks, then I never got my band back; Clint made them into Bingo! Bingo’s not necessarily famous, but I do love that anecdote. No hard feelings, Clint.

#97. Bra1n1ac: My band opened for Brainiac at the short-lived Tarantula Records store in Tampa. We were morphing from a loud aggressive post-punk act into a more mature psychedelic band at the time, and I remember Brainiac’s singer Tim Taylor telling me he really liked it, but we should ditch the punk shit altogether. Extremely handsome, Taylor looked and danced and yelped like a streamlined Mick Jagger, and after the band’s amazing show, he tried multiple times to get our guitar player, my on-again-off-again girlfriend, to take him back to her apartment. I watched him, terrified that she’d say yes. She probably regrets saying no, especially as, a few months later, Tim Taylor died in a car accident. A brilliant fucking band.

#98. Dalek (3x): For some reason this amazing noise-rap group would ask White Bitch to open for them whenever they swung through New Orleans (mostly Mermaid Lounge). I sometimes suspected they just liked laughing at my “act,” or just enjoyed saying the name White Bitch, but offstage we did vibe. Their music is ferocious. They came through town with Isis, and Isis hated White Bitch. Which is why Isis doesn’t get their own entry.

#99. Dash Rip Rock: I learned not to book concerts after Mardi Gras parades by inviting this legendary NOLA rock trio to play after us on Muses night at All Ways Lounge. No one showed up. DRR played their songs at triple speed just to get out of there quickly. Frontman Bill Davis and I went fishing a few times after that. He helped me land my first big redfish, which I wrote about for Louisiana Sportsman.

#100. Elf Power: Legendary Elephant 6 band. Played with them at Circle Bar.

#101. The Fucking Champs (2x): When we opened for The Fucking Champs and Trans Am in Tampa, I hadn’t heard Champs, I only knew their guitarist Tim Green helped power The Nation of Ulysses, the only punk band I ever loved. The Fucking Champs play uplifting, instrumental metal. I remember sitting with Tim at a table that first night, nervously discussing the metal genre. “I don’t think we’re metal,” he trolled me. I later opened for The Fucking Champs again in New Orleans at Mermaid Lounge. Tim Green probably didn’t remember me, but at that gig he loaned me a distortion pedal, and when I finished my set he ran out on stage to tell me how much he enjoyed White Bitch.

#102. Greg Ginn: My college band opened for the former Black Flag guitarist’s solo band at Stone Lounge in Tampa. I remember his drummer taking hours setting up a massive red kit, covered in fur pelts. People went crazy when Ginn played a Black Flag song, but would literally leave the building during Ginn’s new songs — then they’d all come rushing back in when they heard another Black Flag riff. Then they’d leave again.

#103. GirlTalk: Aaron at Spanish Moon in Baton Rouge used to give me great opening slots like this. Place was so packed with what seemed all of LSU’s undergrads. Gregg Michael Gillis was just like, a chill bro, sitting around smilin and bein nice. He does have a good gig/life. Party was so lit, with everyone up on stage dancing, Girl Talk had to strap his laptop to a table with cling wrap, to also keep it from getting doused with beer.

#104. Home: I grew up with one of my all time favorite psychedelic pop groups. I’ve opened for Home in some terrible bands of mine, and some good ones. Very underrated group. Still around after almost 30 years, just released their 18th record.

#105. Japanther: Opened for them at a pirate radio station benefit in Brooklyn.

#106. Killdozer: Opened for this Amphetamine Reptile band at Stone Lounge in Tampa. I remember the singer/bassist stood on a trunk, high above the crowd. Good gimmick.

#107. Little Dragon: Another show Aaron hooked me up with out at Spanish Moon in Baton Rouge in 2009. Not a lot of people attended the show, but Little Dragon sounded amazing, all those live electronics, and Yukimi Nagano’s creamy voice. I feel in love. I bought a CD copy of their new album Machine Dreams directly from Yukimi, then proceeded to listen to it until it disintegrated.

The MakeUp: I already wrote a long entry about meeting Ian Svenonius, one of my favorite artists of all time, over the years, and opening for The MakeUp in Tampa, Florida.

#108. Mike Dillon: The wild percussionist for Primus and Rickie Lee Jones and many others lives in New Orleans and, not only did I open for his crazy band at local club GasaGasa, but he played percussion in my vocal group Lil Current on a couple occasions.

#109. ManMan / Needs New Body: Interviewed psych-freak-out band ManMan for Gambit before VooDooFest one year, and also got to open for their sister band Needs New Body at Twiropa. I remember taking NNB to Cafe Du Monde at 2am.

#110. Of Montreal: One of the biggest shows I’ve ever played. Kevin Barnes seemed extremely nervous and barely talked before the show. MC Shellshock and I played well in front of a totally packed One Eyed Jacks. Of Montreal were incredible, and backstage afterwards Barnes came alive, complimenting us on our “90s sound.”

#111: Peelander Z: Andy Warhol once said that eventually, every band will open for Peelander Z, at least once, like we did, at One Eyed Jacks.

Quintron and Miss Pussycat: Opened for Q&P first in Tampa at New World Brewery. I’d never seen Tampa people dance before if it wasn’t 80’s Night or Goth Night. I already wrote a whole entry for these two great artists I am proud to know.

#112: ReBirth Brass Band: I performed at a party in the Marigny and was surprised to find out they’d hired ReBirth to play after me. Since brass bands don’t have a lot of heavy gear to haul around, a lot of them zip around town playing multiple short shows in one evening. ReBirth showed up in get-in-and-get-out mode. They played, sunglasses on, for about 25 minutes, while talking on their cell phones (my brass band pet peeve!). Still sounded killer.

#113: Radiators: The Rads opened for my band at Krewe Du Vieux ball a handful of years ago — which sounds impressive, but it simply means they got the best slot. By the time we played, the whole audience were on the other side of their mushroom trips, too tired to dance or do anything but stand and stare at us like a herd of cattle. A weird experience that I will always cherish.

Shudder to Think: I wrote a whole long entry about meeting and opening for my favorite rock band, only to take strong ecstasy and make a fool out of myself.

TV on the Radio (3x): I wrote a long entry about how I played several dates with this band, and my babies’ mama proposed to me one night on stage.

#114: TransAm: For a few years we worshipped this hard-rocking Thrill Jockey Records electro act, and then I opened their show in Ybor City, with The Fucking Champs also on the bill.

#115 Thrones: The former bassist from the Melvins now records as one-man-band Thrones, and he didn’t just seem to dislike my opening set before his show at Mermaid Lounge, he seemed to be actively angry at me for not being good enough to open for him. I bought a (really great) CD and shirt from him and dude didn’t even thank me.

#116: Walter Wolfman Washington: Another artist I can say “he opened for me once,” but what I mean to say is, “he got first pick, and made me play last because he didn’t want to play at 1am.” But yeah, Walter opened for my band at a Halloween or Mardi Gras party at Michaelopolis’s funeral home building on Elysian Fields. An honor. I could watch Walter play guitar all day.

Michael Patrick Welch’s “132 Famous People I Have Met” series is FREE, but please consider donating to his VENMO (michael-welch-42), or to his PayPal account (paypal.me/michaelpatrickwelch2), so he can feed his kids, pay his mortgage, etc.

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#93. I was proposed to on stage, while opening for TV on the Radio (New Orleans, 2004–2006)

good dudes / sweet nerds
  1. 2004, New Orleans

White Bitch, my “band,” first opened for TV on the Radio at a giant, beautiful but terrible sounding Uptown venue called TwiRoPa. TVotR had just wrapped a tour opening for David Bowie and Nine Inch Nails. You could almost call that the peak of their popularity, but they did become even more well-known.

White Bitch, at the time, consisted of me and my beats and my guitar, plus my 55-year-old psychedelic guru Ray Bong making noises, and 13-year-old Lil Gregory Esquire acting as hype-man. Because of my band’s provocative name, I will mention that Gregory was Black (and, as my friend now at the age of 28, he remains Black).

We met TVotR backstage, and talked with them a little about the Bowie/NIN tour. We didn’t have much to say to each other (I always ask out-of-town bands where they ate), but Tunde Adebimpe (vocals), Dave Sitek (guitars, keyboards), Kyp Malone (vocals, guitar) Jaleel Bunton (drums) and Gerard Smith (bass) all came off refreshingly nerdy and nice.

We also shared that bill with the band that would go on to become MuteMath. That band, Makrosick, promised I could use their projector for a vital part of our show, so that we wouldn’t have to switch out our projector for theirs between sets. But then, at the venue, right before the show, Makrosick rescinded their offer, wouldn’t let us use their projector, and left us stranded without half of our show. Up on stage later, I told the crowd that, and relentless made jokes about Makrosick between songs. Otherwise, I thought we played well, though our personalities shined more than my songs did in that terrible sounding room. I later read a blog review of the show that asked, “White Bitch? More like White Shit.”

After we played, I went and sat outside on the curb with my sidemen, unimpressed with myself — until TV on the Radio literally ran out to us, majorly impressed. They gave us many compliments, though they seemed mostly interested in the Black kid. Kyp Malone gave all of us some free TVotR t-shirts. I picked a very ugly tan shirt that I still wear to this day, even though it looks gross on a pale white dude.

2. 2006, New Orleans

After Katrina, when MySpace exploded, I posted on TV on the Radio’s page. They remembered me, and immediately asked me to “go on tour” with them. Meaning one date in New Orleans and two dates in Texas. Their agent even hinted to me that they were looking for a band to take with them on their upcoming tour of South America. I scored all that from a MySpace post; those were simpler days.

This time, in New Orleans, we opened for TVotR at The Republic. A lady named MC Shellshock and my partner Mizzy served as backup singers. Talented as fuck, Shelly was more a rapper than a singer, but had good pitch, and big confidence. Mizzy had less good pitch, but she loved me, and had enthusiasm and a great smile and nice boobs she liked to bounce for an audience. Mizzy and I had just gotten back together after Katrina broke us up. She’d moved away from me to work in Providence for a year, and I’d just brought her back to New Orleans to play this show. Our happiness was only just beginning to return.

Our “band” had not gotten to practice enough, I felt, and during soundcheck I casually told the soundman, on the mic in front of everyone, “Keep the girls low in the mix. They are more for set dressing.” Mizzy didn’t react since she’s not really a musician, but Shelly got very mad. I didn’t realize the offensiveness of my comment, having more “important” things on my overcrowded mind at the time. But Shelly and I were never as close after I said that. I now realize how sexist and reductionist I’d sounded, and that I should have addressed it with Shelly long ago, but am only doing so for the first time right now.

By the time we hit the stage, people packed every inch of the place, and crowded the balcony so tightly they seemed to drip from the ceiling. TV on the Radio could have played a place twice that size. With a bill of just White Bitch, followed by TVotR, we played at 11pm, the perfect time. That show, and the next two in Texas, felt like living someone else’s life for a few days.

As we began that New Orleans show, I remained slightly distracted by a girl in the front row shouting up at me, someone I’d vaguely dated a month earlier. Mizzy stood behind me and I couldn’t see her, just this girl I’d dated, yelling up from my feet.

Shelly and I had worked out this great, complex back-and-forth rap. I’d told Shelley though, “If we stumble or fuck up this rap up on stage, I am gonna quickly skip to the next song — don’t get offended.” That exact thing happened though, and I can’t say Shelly didn’t get offended.

After we all finished singing my song “Serious” (“I take this very serious/I take this veeeery serious”), Mizzy snuck up on me from behind, snatched my mic and stopped the show. “There is something that I take very serious,” she said to the crowd. This was very unlike her — so unlike her, I almost knew what came next. Had to be something very big. She kneeled down, pulled a ring box from her pocket and, on the mic, asked me to marry her.

The crowd went fucking berserk. But, just as concerned with the pace of the show, I quickly said yes, kissed her, then jumped into the next song. That girl in the front row looked genuinely crestfallen, but at least she stopped yelling at me.

When we all walked off stage elated, TVotR didn’t look impressed. They didn’t seem like the type of guys who’d care that our engagement performance maybe “showed them up,” but I got the impression it somehow didn’t sit right with them. Maybe their own pre-show jitters had them feeling less sociable. Either way, Mizzy and I left and walked around together outside in a happy daze, talking about the future. Somewhere in it, I’ll never forget, I fucked up and mentioned that girl I’d dated yelling up at me from the front row. Mizzy went cold: “Why the fuck would you mention that? Now?

Today Mizzy and I have two beautiful daughters together, but neither of us has ever been married.

We returned to the club and watched TV on the Radio. The Republic sounded terrible that night too, but the band’s electric presence won the day. We met them backstage after their last song, before their encore. Their bright mood had returned and we all talked and drank beers while their crowd roared for them to come back. Shelly and I told the band how we’d flubbed the brilliant rap we’d worked on so hard. When they asked to hear it, Shelly and I launched into our routine, rapping back and forth as we climbed over all the couches in VIP.

TVotR loved our rap so much, they brought us out on stage to their roaring fans. They all switched instruments, and started jamming, and bade us perform. Shelly and I killed our routine with backing band TV on the Radio (?!), then walked off stage as Tunde asked everyone in the crowd to shake their car keys, and the band performed a beautiful a capella encore of “Ambulance.”

I can’t believe that really happened.

3. 2006, Dallas, TX

In Dallas, TVotR still seemed a bit colder than before. I wondered if they thought our engagement a corny stunt. Or maybe it disappointed them that I didn’t have the little Black kid with me now? I showed up in Dallas with different band members than in New Orleans: now my drummer friend Bret, and noise-man, Bernard Pearce, plus Mizzy.

While drinking TVotR’s expensive dressing room booze that they didn’t touch, we joked that maybe we’d recreate the on-stage engagement tonight. We hobnobbed with the band’s agent who’d let me know about the South American tour, but I managed not to ask her about it. At some point, I saw her and singer Tunde conferring intensely in a corner over a piece of paper. When they finally left, the paper lay on a table, and I snatched it up: a handwritten copy of some of Tunde’s lyrics, from a song on one of their albums. I still have that paper.

White Bitch suffered sound problems on stage in Dallas, to where only I could be heard. My new band left the stage disgruntled, having served only as a visual prop. But I felt I’d played a good show, to 800+ people dripping from the ceiling.

I long to live that life forever.

Like TVotR, who finally got amazing sound that night in Dallas, so that I was able to love their music, finally. What a great, unique band. Afterwards, they invited us all onto their bus where, quite drunk, I blurted, “Every time we’ve played together the sound has been terrible, and I wasn’t able to hear what the hype was about. Tonight I could really hear everything, and could hear how good you all really are!”

They laughed and thanked me for the “compliment,” but they went on to pick for their South American tour the band Noisettes who, with a badass Black girl singer, certainly deserved the slot more than White Bitch.

Michael Patrick Welch’s “132 Famous People I Have Met” series is FREE, but please consider donating to his VENMO (michael-welch-42), or to his PayPal account (paypal.me/michaelpatrickwelch2), so he can feed his kids, pay his mortgage, etc.

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#88–#92: Buncha quick ones: Jan Hooks (SNL), Gov. John Bel Edwards, Jon Bon Jovi, Lydia Lunch, Lloyd Bridges

first famous person I ever met: Lloyd Bridges

#88: Jan Hooks (SNL): As a pre-teen comedy nerd and passionate fan of Saturday Night Live, of course I recognized then SNL cast-member Jan Hooks at my local video store in Ft. Myers, Florida. “I feel so embarrassed with no makeup on,” she said, as she plucked a VHS of A Boy and His Dog from the shelf. Turned out her mother lived in our same condominium complex. I would run into Jan Hooks a lot over the years, saw her at the pool, and she was always very nice while indulging my SNL questions.

#89: LA Governor John Bel Edwards: I once toured New Orleans’s housing projects with Gov. Edwards and Ben Carson (who seemed very dim), and have attended a few of his press conferences, and my impression is that he is not as smart as he is kind. He seems pretty smart, too, except he’s definitely a religious nut, quoting scripture passages while announcing the opening of a new AT&T store in New Orleans East, and such. That and his anti-abortion stuff makes me doubt him. But he seems kind, close up.

#90: Jon Bon Jovi: During JazzFest time, Otis used to let me sit out front of FAB gay bookstore on Frenchmen St. and sell my music guidebook to the music tourists. I saw a lot of stuff out, sitting out there getting drunk and talking to strangers until 2am. When one of the strangers whispered to me that he’d just seen Jon Bon Jovi a block up the street, I snatched one of my music guidebooks off my table and dashed through the thick Frenchmen St. JazzFest crowd, and somehow homed right in on ol Jon, walking fast in a black leather jacket and black t-shirt. He looked great. “Mr. Bon Jovi!” I caught his attention though he didn’t stop walking with his entourage. His bodyguard tensed up. “I don’t mean to sneak up on you, but I wanted to give you this book that I wrote about New Orleans music.” Still walking very fast, and barely looking over at me, Jon Bon Jovi took the book and thanked me, then immediately handed it to an assistant who put it into her tote bag as they powerwalked into the night.

#91: Lydia Lunch: The first public reading I ever did in my life, in Ybor City, Florida in 2000, I opened for Lydia Lunch, and also Permanent Midnight author, Jerry Stahl. I’d been writing for only a couple years at that point. But I had a lot of friends in Florida who gave me lots of opportunities I didn’t necessarily deserve. I don’t remember at all what she was like. I kept in touch with Jerry Stahl for some years after. He’s a sketchy dude.

#92: Lloyd Bridges: The first famous person I ever met! At the age of about seven. I found the movie Airplane freakin hilarious, especially where the guy said “Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!” So when I recognized the glue sniffing guy on a visit to Epcot Center — he was filming a Disney somethingorother — I had to run away from my parent and up on him and tell him, “Airplane is freakin hilarious!” “Your parents let you watch that?” Lloyd Bridges chuckled. “Thanks kid.”

Michael Patrick Welch’s “132 Famous People I Have Met” series is FREE, but please consider donating to his VENMO (michael-welch-42), or to his PayPal account (paypal.me/michaelpatrickwelch2), so he can feed his kids, pay his mortgage, etc.

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#87. I met and envied Trent Reznor

The name Trent sounds like the male version of Karen. but this former NOLA resident seemed nice enough

The dark lord of industrial music, Trent Reznor, famously lived in New Orleans for around a decade. The period when both he and vampire author Anne Rice lived here simultaneously, boosted New Orleans’s rep as a goth capital. I would see him standing atop his sweetly elaborate Uptown recording studio, catching beads during Mardi Gras Parades. Despite living in a part of town that took on no floodwater, Trent moved away a year or so after Hurricane Katrina.

I technically met him at a packed Kool Keith show at House of Blues. I always stand behind the sound booth at HoB, because it’s often fun to watch them man the glowing boards. I assume Trent stood there for the same reason. With longish hair, in cargo shorts and black t-shirt, he looked like my friends back in Florida. We stood beside each other as Kool Keith threw chicken wings and juice boxes and porn magazines to his fans up front, and the crowd crammed Trent and I together to where we were forced to say hello out of politeness.

After Katrina, a friend of mine planning a benefit concert in the Lower 9 met one of Reznor’s assistants, who invited my friend to Reznor’s badass studio, to possibly borrow a PA system for the charity event. Because her boss was packing up his studio to finally move away from New Orleans, Reznor’s assistant ended up giving my friend a massive PA that took up all the space is his apartment. “Trust me, you’re doing him a favor. He has way too much gear,” the assistant reportedly said. “Right now, you could probably take any of this stuff, and he’d never even notice it was gone.”

My friend pointed to a huge guitar amp, a Mesa Boogie cabinet and head, worth thousands of dollars, and joked, “So you don’t mind if I take that too, then?”

“Sure, go ahead,” she told him.

Even though Reznor very likely did not OK that sketchy transaction, it still left me with a forever impression of Reznor as a charitable sort.

But my own strongest memory of Trent Reznor will always be the morning I left a teaching job where my teen students had really beat me up. Almost literally. Adding to the stress, my bike had broken, I’d have to wait until payday to fix it, and so I walked along some Uptown road toward the bus stop, sweating, stressed out. Not at all hungry, I noticed a very grungy gas station selling two pieces of chicken and a biscuit for 99-cents, and I felt I had to partake of this amazing deal, since who knew how I’d afford lunch later otherwise.

Back outside the dirty gas station, as I chomped on this cheap, greasy chicken I wasn’t even hungry for, and hoped my life would get better, before my eyes appeared a beautiful shiny black Porche, contrasting brightly against the gross gas station, and my self-pity. Trent Reznor stepped out of the car, wearing a black leather jacket in the heat (I think), definitely all black clothes with black sunglasses. He looked very unlike my friends in Florida. And he looked even less like me.

I wish I could say that moment, watching him pump gas into his Porche, made me take my fate into my own hands and never suffer in poverty again. But I still eat gas station chicken from time to time.

Old photo of Trent Reznor in New Orleans

Michael Patrick Welch’s “132 Famous People I Have Met” series is FREE, but please consider donating to his VENMO (michael-welch-42), or to his PayPal account (paypal.me/michaelpatrickwelch2), so he can feed his kids, pay his mortgage, etc.

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